The Extra Point: A Total Unbiased Playoff Preview by Hersh
“PLAYOFFS?!?! You kiddin’ me?! You wanna talk about PLAYOFFS!!??”
It's Playoff Time in the COFL once again. It has been a rollercoaster of emotions and in these final days of play, tensions are HIGH! Welcome back to another episode of Hersh’s Extra Point where we will do a long awaited Playoff Preview! Before we get started lets discuss the old folks before getting to the exciting newcomers:
Our defending champion, Coach Fiddy Spence (Current #8 Seed, 7-5), and the Cincinnati Kitty Kats have been seemingly declawed as they are on the brink of missing the playoffs for the first time in a long time. Some say the real life Bengals struggles have directly effected morale in the Cincinnati locker room.
There are other rumbles that maybe Fiddy is passed his prime and its time for him to hang up the sticks in retirement. I must admit, he hasn’t looked the same since John Ross became a Diva Wide Receiver demanding 10+ touches per game #lockerroomcancer. Its possible all those blunts to the face are finally catching up to him?! We may never know… #whodey
Coach Jake the Snake (Current #3 Seed, 9-4) is once again in prime position to add another ring to his jewelry laden fingers, but there is hope as more than one team has drawn blood against him this year. Will the distractions of being a college athlete be too much for the Panty Raider to muster? I hope so.
Tier 1 is well represented in the playoff race as always with BigDaddy (Current #5 Seed, 8-4) and the Colts making a late Wild Card push. After a slow start and some treats of getting extradited to China the MOFL, El Grande Padre is making waves. His unorthodox play style is infuriating, yet effective. Fun Fact: BigDaddy has the smallest points for-points against differential... and you know what they say about dudes with small PF-PA diffs.... Experts are picking this guy to overcompensate and make another Conference Championship Appearance.
In the Shula Division, Coach P (Current #2 Seed, 9-4) repping SoCal has been getting it DONE with the unflappable Tom Brady and the New England Patriots. Controversy aside, Coach P has kept a steady course with viable weapons at every position and meticulous “film study” strategically assaulting opposing defenses. Speaking of defense, the Patriots D has been damn near abusive to offensive lines, murdering Quarterbacks with reckless abandon and no regard for the law. Is this the year Coach P gets his happy ending, or will his hopes for a championship blow away like a fart in a doctor’s office?
Due to some late season stumbles, Ghosty’s (Current #7 Seed, 10-6) playoff hopes appear to be busted. Ya hate to see it, with multiple devastating injuries at the QB position, Casper and dem boys did the best they could.
Coach Tristan (Current #1 Seed, 11-3) and the Jets may be relatively new to the COFL, but he is not new to running a fine-tuned offense with a SMOTHERING defense. Leveon Bell looks comfortable touting the rock, breaking down defenders like his OG Kush before he rolls up. The Jets are sitting pretty at first place in the Paul Brown division, having eviscerated all but 1 division opponent (unless you lost to the Browns too, idk and I’m too lazy to check). He’s hoping to keep that contagious winning attitude, but please keep your distance. Rumor has it this dude doesn’t vaccinate his quarterback.
HershNasty (Current #6 Seed, 11-5) and the Texans… are BACK!!! Although he has secured a playoff spot, the Texans’ offensive has been looking sluggish as of late, but the defense has been as fiery as ever. Coach Hersh is hoping to rekindle that early season spark and add to his Playoff Ws record. A lot of people are rooting for this dude to fail, as he seems to have upset some folks on the way, but he hasn’t fought his way to Top 10 (#8) in all-time COFL wins by accident. Some of these young pups need to show some deference #ijs. This Post-Season will be a real Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde situation for Coach Hersh… Which monster will show its ugly face? Hopefully he can give JJ Watt something positive to post on social media.
Well, well, well… A surprise, to be sure, but a welcome one. Coach LiftedLights (Current #4 Seed, 9-4) appears to have done the impossible and fielded a serviceable squad with the Miami Dolphins. Some will say this guy had a soft schedule, but you gotta play who the team in front of you. This is the first year of COFL play for Coach Lights, but it surely won’t be the last. Hopefully he doesn’t develop any recreational “habits” that could lead to him sending money to a Vegas stripper and video tapping himself partaking in these “habits” in his coaching office... Miami is fun.
Coach Jomo (Current #1 Seed, 10-1) is making something shake with the R-words this season, as his COFL play appears to be the only positive thing coming out of Washington in 3 years (Shout out to @NoMoreObama *crying laughing emoji*). Even with Dan Synder and the entirety of the R-words organization basically on fire, Jomo has played well. Experts don’t know how he’s doing it… but he’s doing it… so its probably YouTube money plays and PEDs, the most heinous, vile and despicable crimes a Madden player could possibly commit.
Coach Clemson (Current #5 Seed, 12-2) and his RPO-Read Option offense has been giving opponents headaches for seasons now. His strategy, along with the ungodly talents of Christian McCaffery have brought him once again to the post-season. Pro Tip: If you’re playing against this dude, make sure to take him out of the game mentally by high-stepping and diving on all long TDs scored. He will be so frustrated, I GUARANTEE he’ll throw 2 more Pick-6s before the game is over. It definitely won’t make him redouble his efforts to mount a 4th quarter comeback to embarrass you with 10 people watching the live stream. The Panthers and R-Words still have 1 match-up to play.
The 12th Man is alive and well as Coach Jacci (Current #2 Seed, 9-3) leads the Seahawks to another playoff appearance. This guy’s squad is very well balanced, with Russell Wilson making magic in the backfield. Can he “Level Up” and secure the “Goodies” “Like A Boy” for his boo Ciara one more year? I bet she really knows how to motivate, if you know what I’m saying. Analingus… that’s what I’m saying.
How bout them Cowboyz!!! Coach Starshaw (Current #6 Seed, 8-6) has marched Zeke, Dak and Dem Boyz into a hopeful playoff position. America’s team really has their work cut out for them, as it looks like destiny is in their own hands. I’m sure Jerry Jones is hoping to polish off a bottle of Johnny Walker Blue to celebrate a playoff berth and the road to the Cowboyz first the COFL Bowl.
Coach Bowman (Current #3 Seed, 7-5) with is bipolar Madden antics has once again found himself in playoff position, edging over the atrocious Chicago Bears. I mean geez, aside from Khalil Mack the Bears are basically doodoo. Can’t say much for the coach either, as the play-calling is uninspired, the pre-snap adjustments are generally laughable, and even the pre-game meals taste like hospital food… but I digress, this is about the Jimmy G and the Niners putting it all together. Coach Bowman has created some frenemies across the COFL, so he is surely looking to prove those nay-sayers wrong.
Based on a mathematical technicality, Coach El Presidente (Current #7 Seed, 7-6) has found himself on the playoff bubble once again. Despite offensive woahs, the Bears have gotten it done enough times to remain in the hunt. How can the dude pulling all the official strings produce such an uninspiring product on the field? HOW?! My money is on too much deep dish pizza grease slathered all over his fingers. Anyway, Bears Defense might find a way to shake things up and make a playoff appearance. Here’s hoping his team gets worked and he verbally eviscerates a minor on the live stream after donking a game-winner.
I mean… somebody had to win it right? At 7-9, Coach ThatGuy (Current #4 Seed, 7-9) and the Vikings have arrived at the Post-Season. He may need an inspiring performance from Cousins and Cook, but the Hennything is possible with the Minnesota Vikings.
Toilet Bowl Candidates
Broncos (0-8): After a rough start, Coach DQ has been FIRED... out of a cannon into the sun for his abismal performance this season. Coach Blitzvision has taken over the Broncos, rotating up from the MOFL. This guy’s got a lot to learn about the big leagues, currently accounting for 2 Denver’s 8 losses. I like the competitive attitude though. Only time will tell if he can rise to the occasion or be just another MOFL burnout.
Bucs (2-9): The high seas have been rough for the Buccaneers this season. Coach Lonz has been replaced by new MOFL Coach Burgwood hoping to wright the ship. Sadly, there’s only so much you can do with Jameis.
Cardinals (3-10): Niiiiick what happeeeened?!? Last season Coach Nick demonstrated a masterful on-field product. This season is not the case. Some have described his regression to the mean as the Vale of Tiers. Let’s hope he bounces back next season.
Lions (3-8): Coach Rolle really dropped the ball this year as well. He may have also gotten caught up in the Vale of Tiers. Even though he’s in this year’s Toilet Bowl conversations, I believe he’ll get his shit together.