Hersh's Extra Point: Trips Brunch with Bottomless Mimosa's
It’s that time of year once again ladies and gentlemen… In my personal opinion, the best time of year. When the mornings are filled with youth, whose dreams haven’t yet been crushed by society, are rushing off to catch the school bus, the days are long and sunny, and the evenings filled with a sweet, warm breeze that makes you question whether global warming really was made up by the Chinese.
That’s right, its COFL Season!
Perfect weather to shut yourself in the house with the AC set to 72 (or 69 if you’re nasty) with a big ass bowl of the unhealthiest snacks to cover your fingers in grease. Don’t forget to pull all the blinds so it’s dark AF. It’s time to load up, as the Harrier Jet-like hum of your PS4’s struggling fan warms back up for the 1000th time. Hopefully you slipped your significant other an Ambien so you can have some peace and quiet while you try to figure out how to erase that 17 point deficit (just make sure they don’t tweet anything racist while you’re playing). And
God help you if you didn’t charge your controller last night… I mean… how else are you going to play all 4 of your COFL games this week in one sitting?!
Anyway, I digress.
This is the OFFICIAL Official Welcome to COFL Season XVI. Like most things associated with this league, we are a few weeks late and incredibly ill-prepared, but somehow it turns into a beautiful master.
It is my esteemed honor to provide an introduction to our new players in both the COFL and MOFL leagues and a refresher for our league veterans. I am HershyNasty, aka HershMoney, aka HershThaHunter, aka HershMcGersh, aka Herschelangelo, aka Mr. Inconsistent, aka Conspiracy Brotha, aka Fined for Eye Contact, aka Trips Brunch w/ Bottomless Mimosas, aka Third and My Student Loan Balance. I promise to always keep it real with you, except when it directly benefits me to not do so. We must all remain vigilant against the tyranny of our oppressor, El Presidente, who will take every opportunity you avail him to grind his tyrannical boot into your neck.
Thoughts on Madden 20:
Same shit, and honestly it’s the same toilet too. This isn’t rocket surgery, we knew exactly what we were gonna get. Let’s be thankful they cleaned up a majority of the glitches that would have you prying your controller out
of the dry-wall and leave it at that. Zones still suck. DBs are still pitiful excuses for AI. Announcers conversation and “witty banter” will melt your face off like Chernobyl. X-factors are an interesting layer, but some of them are either super OP or next to irrelevant. All in all, at least EA sprayed some air-freshener into the Porta-Potty that is the Madden franchise. Hope you didn’t shell out for EA Access… if so I’ve got some organic, gluten-free paint chips to sell you. They come in red, green, and blue flavor and only cause a little bit of blindness.
This is the first Official year of the MOFL (formerly known as the Developmental League). Welcome new-comers as you strive to gain entry into the big leagues. Misbehaving COFLer’s who have been relegated are also getting in on the action, but it’s only a matter of time before someone forgets to take their meds and jumps in the GroupMe talking wreckless… or worse, doesn’t play all their scheduled games (Dun Dun Duuuuhn). Anywho… COFL stalwarts who find themselves on the ass end of most ass-kickings be wary, these dudes are coming for your spot. I’d say more on the MOFL, but COFideL Castro is adding/removing people and changing up the rules every hour on the hour, so just stay on your toes.
Divisions are back by popular demand this year and once again we’ve got some solid divisional play going down. I can’t help but notice some players have been placed in divisions they don’t belong. All is well though, as the schedules will determine who is worthy. I, for one, appreciate my soft schedule and I will continue to DOMINATE the Bill Walsh division until I decide to tank for draft picks (obviously).
A new wrinkle this season is the addition of the COFL Sportsbook, which allows the degenerate gambler in all of us to shine with fake monies bet on fake football. What a time to be alive.
Check the GroupMe regularly, as Prez will be whipping it out on occasion to see if there are any biters. Keep your expectations low, as his flashes are small… very small, but surprisingly fertile. Generally these will be pay-to-play. I haven’t yet figured out this particular Ponzi scheme, but my crack team of investigators are on the case. And before you ask, yes they are addicted to crack, but it’s mainly for tax purposes, don’t judge. (Applications currently being accepted, past drug history a plus but not required. Have your people call my people.)
That about wraps it up for this episode. Remember, when shit goes wrong, blame that ill-advised RedZone Pick-6 on your SO with impeccable timing for distracting you with frivolous questions like “How are we going to pay the
mortgage this month?” and/or “Where is our child?! You were supposed to pick them up from soccer practice 3 hours ago!” If that doesn’t work (or you’re a strong independent COFLer who doesn’t need no man), blame EA and the refs. That always works. As always, I encourage you to keep your third eye open and decalcify your pineal gland.