HershNasty's Season 8 Playoff Preview
I’ve been away too long…
Miss me??? *bats eyelashes*
Seems like just yesterday I went out for that pack of smokes, and low and behold, the COFL is on Season VIII. A lot has changed since I went on my writer’s strike. I could tell you it was about the Wheel of Deception (commonly referred to as the Wheel of Destiny by those on the Man’s payroll…), but really I was just holding out for more cash. My oh my, how you’ve grown. Prez and Company have gotten the podcast rolling, using it rant and rave like an angsty teenager with a “Mean Girls” Burn Book.
But with growing up, come growing pains: dismissing the accelerated play-clock to make sure games take an hour and half ... unconventional scheduling taking a bat to punctuality, game of the week hype, and late season playoff pushes. Did I mention Prez changed the schedule like 5 times after sending it out to the people?! #Collusion with a capital C.
It’s no surprise like 25% of the league has at least 5 games left, some of these teams on potential playoff runs (I’m sure some games have been played since I wrote this but still… ain't no fuckin' way you’re getting in 5 games in 3 days!) SMH just more signs of collusion in the League Scheduling Office… It isn’t all the fault of the management. The ENTIRE COFL is to blame for the lack of scheduled/played games (except for me, obviously … and I guess BigDaddy who played all his games in the span of 48 hours…).
Contrary to popular belief, I am not here to take down the establishment… well, not this time anyway.
I’m back to give you guys a nice little season wrap up and ....*drumroll*... the Real Deal Holyfield HershNasty Presents: the COFL Season VIII Playoff Preview™! I hope to be a guiding light for the newcomers watching from their couches this year… and a warning of the dangers ahead for those who have earned a trip on the Dance.
(Seeding subject to change… if you guys play your goddamn games on time… or not and get booted from the playoffs anyway… shrug)
#1 Seed: Cleveland Browns
THE BROWNS ARE LEADING THE AFC!!!* First and last time those words will ever be written in any respectable, critically acclaimed, pioneering, award-winning sports column. You might’ve noticed there’s an asterisk next to that statement… because my guy has got almost half his games left to play! DB probably trying to finesse the system and play the easy half of his schedule and moonwalk into the playoffs before anybody notices. Even when the Browns are the #1 Seed they might botch a playoff berth on a technicality. If that isn’t the Brownsiest thing ever I don’t know what is…
#2 Seed: New York Jets
J-E-T-S! JeTs JeTs JeTs!!! Early season favorite to win the AFC, JT is back at it again. I have literally watched zero minutes of game tape on this guy but I’m going to assume his play style hasn’t changed much as he still sports one of the lowest Points Against seen in COFL history. #DefenseWinsChampionships plus a heavy lean on the run game. The only guy to beat him thus far has been Nasty Nate (no relation…) with his unorthodox (read infuriating) offensive stylings… but maybe it wasn’t luck since he did it twice! Let’s hope JT gets surprised one more time this season...
#3 Seed: Miami Dolphins
This has been a pretty good year for Miami: missed most hurricane damage, the Heat aren’t doing so bad, and The U might just be back… well, almost. The Marlins might be a national embarrassment, but who cares about baseball? DQ, with the likes of Jay Cutler at the helm, has also brought the Miami professional franchise back into COFL relevance! No jersey burning pressure on Cutler, since he couldn’t care less about … well anything really. The Dolphins currently claim the 3 Seed in the AFC, but strength of schedule has left us all with one burning question… Are the Miami Dolphins for real?!?! HershNasty prediction: No Dice, sushi will definitely be on the AFC Wildcard menu.
#4 Seed: Tennessee Titans
The Tennessee Marcus Mariotas are spitting fireballs throughout the AFC, up against the Devil’s Gauntlet Prez has scheduled for Nate. Idk if Super Mario can put the team on his back doh, since he’s still got 6 games left to play and none of them are snoozers… either way we need this guy in the playoffs just to get rid of JT, then hit him with an Ezekiel Elliott style delayed suspension to really rub his nose in it. “Surely, you jest HershNasty. The League Office has more integrity than that…” HA! The League Office kicked out my man Sheeed after he had been playing games not 48 hours previously… Somebody must’ve been butthurt they couldn’t get a text back… #FreeSheeed
#5 Seed: Denver Broncos
You’d have to be high AF to think Aqib Talib could get away with snatching Michael Crabtree’s chain twice… Luckily, the Denver Broncos are Mile High, coasting into the playoffs after a strong early season showing. BigDaddy and company started to waiver near the end, but he’s pulled it together to gain the #5 seed. Maybe he should roll one up to calm his nerves before that next playoff game… couldn’t hurt, right Josh Gordon?
#6 Seed: Cincinnati Bengals
Dat Dude Fiddy is a baaad dude. Some say he got shot 9 times, got up and sold VitaminWater to Coca-Cola for a billion dollars. The Computer Generated Power Rankings put him above the formidable HershNasty led Tampa Bay Buccaneers, whom he trounced in COFL Bowl IV… but thats old (and fake) news. The Nasty Rankings™ are the ONLY Power Rankings we respect up in here. They say it was Computer Rankings that kept UCF out of the College Football National Championship… Anyway, he might’ve limped into the playoffs as the #6 seed, but his brutal schedule would have crippled a lesser man. Can he put the AFC to shame and take the lowly Cincinnati Bengals to their first Championship?! Doubt it...
"On the Bubble":
New England Patriots
If the cards fall right, Touchdown Tommy and the Pats may be able to sneak their way back into the post-season. ZZ is no Coach Belichick, as a firey temper and average Blood Alcohol Concentration level of .3 don’t mix well with quality playcalling and game focus. Maybe he can cheat his way into the playoffs and blow up somebody else’s PS4. His first attempt seems to be a misfire though, since blowing up Clemson’s PS4 does him no good in the AFC… Better luck next season kiddo.
#1 Seed: Dallas Cowboys
ZeKe NoT sUsPeNdEd In MaDdEn! We DeM BoYz! DaK dA GOAT! FuCk RoMo! We GoIn’ To Da CoFl BoWl!!! Ladies and gentlemen… your NFC #1 seed… Sitting pretty with only one loss on the record book, sadly my dude has yet to play more than 12 games. I suppose BDay and Dem Boyz can only play whoever is placed in front of them, so I can’t necessarily say they don’t deserve to be there… but I can think it loudly goddammit. Their only recorded loss was to the formidable Tampa Bay Buccaneers, who have been known to play up or down to their level of competition and blow a close game in seasons past. Anyway the league is excited to see if COFL newcomer BDay can make somethin’ shake in the Season VIII Playoffs.
#2 Seed: Seattle Seahawks
Jake the Snake back at it once again. What more can I say about this team that hasn’t already been said about Neil Armstrong. As one of the few teams with a nightmare schedule and a winning record, we aren’t at all surprised to see Jake continue to slice and dice quality teams left and right. Perennially ranked as #2 in the Power Rankings, here’s hoping he humbles a few teams that may have snuck into the post-season…
#3 Seed: Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Once more into the abyss… HershNasty and the Bucs are back at it again! The last time this team was matched up with the coach voted sexiest coach of the year in 1999, they went all the way to the COFL Bowl, where fate dealt them a fumble-6 defeat. Many are saying HershNasty was honestly disrespected with a mid-tier schedule this season, saying past performances have earned him a top-tier pedigree. In an exclusive interview with Coach Nasty, we asked what he thinks of his tier placement, he simply stated “We’re on to Cincinnati.” When reminded that the regular season is over and he doesn’t even play Cincinnati this season, Coach Nasty scowled and immediately exited the interview.
#4 Seed: St. Louis Los Angeles Rams
If Bday’s Cowboys had the “Easy-Bake Oven” of schedules this season, COFL Newcomer Coach P has been thrown into an inferno, second only to the Green Bay Packers. Here’s a coach so confident in his skills on the sticks, he doesn’t need to watch streams, pledging to never watch any game film. Quite possibly by design, Coach P’s shitty internet connection won’t allow him to stream games, meaning there’s limited game film for others to absorb on him. We’ll have to see if this impacts his playoffs effectiveness as students of the game look to take him out.
#5 Seed: Atlanta Falcons
Another quality season from BDukes and the Atlanta Falcons. This high powered offense and underrated defense will be sure to get all our hopes up and dash them expertly in the most heartbreaking fashion possible as is tradition in the state of Georgia. Seriously, WTF some of these L’s the state of Georgia has taken couldn’t even be fathomed in the very best horror story creative minds in history. Who could possibly be so cruel to an already marginalized group? There is no God. Only the cold embrace of death and darkness… Anyway here’s to hoping BDukes and them Dirty Birds can rewrite history. It could only be in a fictional Video Game that the Falcons will bring join back into my life…
#6 Seed: Green Bay Packers
The COFL’s International Liaison has once again proven why London deserves its own franchise. JMCC is back sipping tea and whoopin’ ass all over the “pitch”... and he’s all outta tea. Even as the #6 seed, this guy did not sneak into the playoff picture, having the #1 toughest strength of schedule this season. Additionally, he may have to do it without our Lord and Savior Aaron “Discount Double Check” Rodgers slangin’ the rock. Either way, the Packers are in “good hands”, let’s hope the General can insure victory for the Pack this season.
On the Bubble:
Clemson blew up his PlayStation out of frustration from missing the playoffs. He had a good run, but 9 wins just doesn’t cut it in this league. Thank god that atrocious read option didn’t make the postseason. Here’s to hoping Clemson gets his anger management issues figured out before his new job gives him a gun and a badge…
Ladies and Gentlemen, that’s your HershNasty Presents: the COFL Season 8 Playoff Preview™!