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HERSH'S XP SPECIAL EDITION: The Nasty Rankings, Week 4

So umm… WTF does COFL even stand for?? Confederation of Fish Lovers?! Coalition of Fucking Losers?!?! This league could be funding terrorism and we wouldn’t even know it smh. We demand transparency! Anyway here are the Season VI Week 4-5 Nasty Rankings. #Branding

Holy shit 32 teams is a lot...

1. Kansas City Chiefs (12-0) - Jake the Snake, AKA Cheat Codes McGee, AKA Jake the Python since he’s got the league by a strangle hold... The Chiefs seem to catch break after break whether it be a 20 point comeback in the 4th quarter or a superstar rookie running back fresh out the gate. Honestly, with a schedule riddled with difficult teams how has this guy not taken a single L. Sigh, I guess he deserves the accolades, but we give them begrudgingly. Hopefully, he has an early playoff exit and finally has to pick a shitty team. Let’s see you drop back 30 yards with Brian Hoyer and the Niner’s O line... Certified Decomposing OBESE Body Disgusting

2. Denver Broncos (11-2) - JT doesnt get a cool nickname because JT is already a nickname. Ok fine… umm….Jay-T? He’s got 99 problems but defense ain’t one… yea let's go with that. Defense wins championships. Need I say more? I mean this guy doesn’t even start Trevor Siemian… WTF. The once stalwart hero of the COFL has transitioned into a playground bully. Collusion has handed him the keys to the NFL’s Mercedes-Benz of defenses for the second time. He’s not even really that good, just throws that baby in cruise control and lets Von Miller impregnate your backfield (lol). Certified Decomposing Body Disgusting

3. Atlanta Falcons (8-2) - Fiddy Spence ... But he’s not a rapper. Legend has it he sold Vitamin Water to Coca Cola for a Billie to pay for that sexy new stadium… that kind of looks like a butthole… a sexy billion dollar bleached butthole. He’s been bringing it in in style with some impressive wins. Well shit he better be winning with one of the 5 legitimately good teams in this fucking game. The only way he doesn’t win the division is if he gets shot 9 times and gives up the Madden life to pursue music full time ... He better win the ship or next season’s draft is going to fuck his shit all the way up. Certified Vomit In A Room Without AC Over the Weekend Disgusting

4. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (8-4) - Sheeeeeeeeed (I had a Pulp Fiction “Send in the Wolf” joke but it was kind of a stretch). Speaking of Stretch plays, Doug Martin has been tearing up the NFC. Famous Jameis has also played well, but a promising team has been overshadowed by the star power of the Falcons. Keep an eye on this team in the playoffs. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Picks Up His Dog’s Poop Barehanded Filthy

5. Detroit Lions (8-4) - AK with the Beam and the Scope - I’ve seen some incredible shit from this team… He took the Jags to the AFC Championship. Did I mention he eats pizza with a knife and fork like a sociopath? Yea… avoid that dude. He could take you out from 300 yards, or he could shoot himself in the foot, but I wouldn’t be surprised if he flipped the script and represented the NFC in COFL Bowl VI. Haven’t Showered in 3 Weeks Putrid

6. Houston Texans (8-2) - Johnny Be Good - Lookin real good atop the weak sauce AFC South, with only 2 losses. Problem is, one of those two losses is to the atrocious Bengals… Great defense has earned this team the current rank of least Points Against thru 9 games. We shall see what the playoffs have in store. 1 Month Past the Expiration Date Vomit Inducing

7. Buffalo Bills (5-4) - Nasty Nate - Now this guy is a real savage when it comes to play-calling. He’d rather throw it away with 3 wide open WRs in the endzone and a running lane wide enough for Jim to drive thru, and throw TyGod to the wolves, running him straight into the teeth of a hungry defense for giggles. Didn’t Wash Hands After Number 2 Gross

8. Chicago Bears (8-5) - Fearless Leader El Prezidente - We aren’t impressed by the recent shutouts the Bears defense has produced. Not in the slightest. In a year where Madden believes in an INT every 6 attempts, every winning team has 2-3 shutouts on their record. They have strung together 3 wins to get back into the division race. The Bears real concerns are lack of focus, even in big wins, it seems like there’s chaos on the sidelines being picked up. Check out our COFL Mic’ed for Sound clips. Warning: Strong and...creative... language. Pregnant women and children under the age of 35 listen with care. Didn’t Wash Hands After Number 2 Gross

9. Cincinasty Bengals (7-5) - The Legendary HershNasty, Fourth of his name, Rightful King in the AFC North, Thrower of Picks, Noted Side Buster, Corner Route Connoisseur … Didn’t realize Vontaze Burfict has been suspended and on his bench all season until week 5… son of a… Anyway in a HEATED race for the coveted AFC North Division Title with Big Daddy Kane hot on his heels. The mental gymnastics it took to fit the Bengals into the top 10 have probably earned Coach Nasty a psych evaluation, but he’s got no time for that. Honestly, he’s got no time for anything before the pass rush is barreling down his throat. It’s a miracle this guy has managed 7 wins so far. 1 Month Past the Expiration Date Vomit Inducing

10. Seattle Seahawks (7-2) - “The Name’s Mcc… Jmcc”. Playing for Queen and Country, Coach Jmcc is holding it down across the pond leading the way for the NFC West. Looks like is Monopoly money draft position bribe has paid off. Here’s hoping his team doesn’t lay an egg in the playoffs. Bad British Teeth Foul

11. Pittsburgh Steelers (8-4) - BigDaddy Kane could absolutely win the AFC West division race with a soft schedule to round out the season. His play has been up and down this season, but some late wins have energized the city. Homeless Guy Masturbating Awful

12. Minnesota Vikings (6-5) - King Konz Aint Got Shit On Me - Past his prime? Knocking off the rust? We expected 2017 Marshawn Lynch… Looking more like 2017 Adrian Peterson… once a great, but now the word association is just someone’s getting whipped. He still might snatch the NFC North from Prez and AK, who is dying to throw his lead away. Waaay Too Comfortable Naked Old Man in the Gym Foul

13. Carolina Panthers (5-5) - ZZ The aZZaZZin. He’s like a drunken master, sometimes he gets his ass whooped, sometimes he whoops some ass. All we know is we’ve never seen Luke Kuechly and Superman in the same place… I’m just sayin... Drunken Vomiter Passed Out in the Bar Bathroom Nasty

14. New York Jets (3-5) - Chips Ahoy - One of 2 teams to beat the Broncos, and a very strong performance against the Chiefs, this team is showing a lot of promise. It’s got all of us asking the question… Are the Jets for real??? That Unknown Smelly Smell Coming Out of the AC… or maybe its the fridge… wait no

its definitely the bathroom… idk but its gross.

15. Los Angeles Chargers (5-5) - Clemson - The good news is, Clemson looks like the #1 team in NCAA this year. The bad news is we ain’t playing NCAA. Honestly, this guy has been screwed over by some of the worst possible luck in Madden history… but idk if he deserves pity points, gotta win that game in regulation son… Anyway the big city lights have been giving him night terrors, as he’s use to that slow, country life. Tough titties as he’ll have to get with the program ASAP, as there’s another pro team in town looking to steal the limelight. Roaches in the Kitchen Icky

16. Colts (5-5) - Master P (AKA Paige Money) - After coaching the Browns to a respectable 8-8 season last year, times are tough in Indy this year. Don’t let this year’s slow start fool you. Paige Money will fuck your shit up worse than Hit Girl in the first Kick-Ass move. Let’s just hope Jake doesn’t teach her the “drop back 40 yards” trick, and other Family Secret cheat codes. Roaches in the Kitchen Icky

17. Oakland Raiders (2-9) - Smoothie Queen (lazy name, we can do better… hmmm… “something something he likes it rough”. Fuck it, that’ll do, they don’t pay me enough for this shit anyway.) has had some bright spots in recent play. At other times, Smoothie’s Squad has looked like “soft serve” if you catch my drift... Still can’t seem to figure out how to stop the team in-fighting. He can’t entirely be blamed for the losses on his schedule as an Interim Head Coach has taken over after the last guy got the boot. Coach Queenie might be losing the respect of the locker room. He’s competitive though so only time will tell if he’s able to stick around to draft a better team... Doubt it… A Month In Vegas Trashy

18. Washington Redskins (5-6) - Ricky Bobby? Ric Flair? Slick Rick? Rick James Bitch… I like that one. Tough to get a read on the current NFC East Division leader. Maybe the “strong”, silent type should hit the gym and get his weight up... The whole division is middling as he sits at 5-5 with the Eagles, Cowboys and Giants hot on his tail. Never before have we had a division leader so low. His PA is literally double his PF... Here’s hoping he can make the transition from kind of shitty to silent but deadly. Clogged Toilet Gross

19. San Francisco 49ers (5-6) - PDiddy “Take dat, Take dat” - Is anyone else shocked to find out the 49ers have put together 5 wins??? Sean John’s clothing label might’ve been a failure, but this 49ers team is no flook. Watch this coach in the future to make some ripples, maybe even waves. Clogged Toilet Gross

20. Green Bay Packers (4-7) - DRobbin’ Hood seriously needs to steal some wins from some of the top performing teams in the league this season. Honestly, we can’t make any sense of what’s holding them back after making the #2 overall draft pick. Maybe the NFC North is a tougher division than we thought, as DRob currently sits in last place. Mayonnaise/Tuna Sandwich in Heat Rancid

21. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-4) - New Team, Who Dis?? New Guy’s have to earn their nickname. Tied up with the Colts for second place in the division, we just haven’t seen enough film to know anything about the Jags. If the previous coach showed us anything, Leonard Fournette is going to give some DC’s major headaches. Mayonnaise/Tuna Sandwich in Heat Rancid

22. Dallas Cowboys (3-6) - CatDaddy has been too busy trying to get more kids into the league than Antonio Cromartie instead of focusing on wins. He, like the rest of the NFC East has been gracing the nation with bad football. Thankfully, unlike real life, they aren’t being forced down our throats with primetime game after primetime game. Fear Factor Round 2 Unpleasant

23. Arizona Cardinals (3-4) - DB-Z(ona) is playing like he seriously needs a senzu bean. After some mid to high preseason expectations, his performance has been underwhelming and disappointing, just like everyone on that show not named Goku. Maybe he’s saving his real power for a better team. Will this long time COFL coach finally turn things around? Find out next season of Dragon Ba-- I mean COFL VII. Fear Factor Round 2 Unpleasant

24. Tennessee Titans (3-9) - ThisGuy … and what a guy. Watching This Guy is like watching a car crash in slow motion. Will there be limbs everywhere? Or will the driver walk away like nothing happened. No one knows what the carnage will look like but most of the time it's bad. Fear Factor Round 1 Unpleasant

25. Ravens (3-5) - Keller the Killer (Insert Ray Lewis double murder joke here). At least Ray Lewis beat the charge… Keller can’t seem to beat anybody of worth lately. But it’s not too late for Keller convince the jury of his innocence as he’s got quite a few games left to play with an up and down schedule. Fear Factor Round 1 Unpleasant

26. Patriots (2-7) - Put Up Your Dukes has been getting absolutely CRUSHED this season. Honestly I feel bad, his schedule is probably the hardest in COFL history and the Patriots, though good in real life, aren’t the easiest Madden team to play with, having few and far between on-field play-makers and game-breakers. He might be playing for draft picks at this point, but at least he doesn’t complain and keeps it competitive. Unwashed Hairy Armpits Stinky

27. Giants (2-6) - Car Smoke … WTF… when are the Giants even playing these damn games… I haven’t seen a single one… I’m gonna go ahead and let the scores speak for themselves. With 4 of 6 of his losses being one score games, I have to assume there’s at least some talent there. With 8 games left, VanSmack miiight want to do a courtesy check under the hood before his season truly bursts into flames. Unwashed Hairy Armpits Stinky

28. Eagles (2-6) - VaFoolishness is scoring on average, under 9 points per game… and still could technically win the division. NFC East… Get your shit together. All the other NFC East criticisms can also be applied here. The division is sold out, I, the wordsmithing master of insults, have run out of rotten tomatoes to throw at them. Good riddance. Eye Watering Halitosis

29. Los Angeles Rams (3-6) - Will & Grace has struggled with the move to the big city from small, racist St. Louis. He’s going to need to garner some star power if he wants to compete with the likes of USC, let alone the head-busters in the COFL. Eye Watering Halitosis

30. Saints (1-7) - Red Robyn once again screwed over and stuck with the Aint’s. She’s pieced together some quality games to build the team’s confidence, but can’t seem to secure the win. I have to be a little nice here or else my Anti Aint’s bias will show. #FTS. Little Brother’s Boogers Gross

31. Miami Dolphins (2-9) - Coach Jim is the real life embodiment of his wide receivers. All the jokes and passes go right over his head. Another coach that loves to play the blame game, shamefully his game on the sticks is even worse. Has he reminded you he plays in the back of his semi-truck yet? Don’t worry, give it time… Like a New Yorker who can’t go 10 minutes without repping, Jimbo will make sure you know all about his truck(s), his views on border walls, and how everything bad is not his fault. Personally I blame the traffic cone jerseys. Ironically... Clean Shaven (Editor's note: Possibly #FakeNews. Dolphins may have paid to be ranked this high.)

32. Cleveland Browns (1-8) - Beanie Man… I was going to use this space to make a bunch of beans, Browns, and bowel movements jokes, but the level of competition is just too uninspiring. Use your imagination folks, because Coach Beanie sure isn’t using any with his excuses on the field. Clean Shaven

For all the teams complaining, bitching and moaning, there is a COFL waitlist. You can be replaced at the drop of a hat.

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