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Hersh's Extra Point: Turnovers, Recaps and Thoughts On Life


Hello again,

So you’ve finally settled into Season VI…

It’s been between about 45 minutes and ~10 years since you were deceptively lured into the COFL, a fresh lamb to the slaughter, with empty promises of fortune and glory. You came in bright-eyed and bushy-tailed, ready to hit the ground running and fuck shit up. You were a dirty, dirty diving lobby whore who runs up the score higher than a red-light district miniskirt. You’re superstar stacked MUT squad might as well have been the Harlem Globetrotters the way you embarrassed your opponents. You pretty much only play online now, because you’ve alienated all your real friends because you couldn’t resist high-stepping from the 40 on your 3rd pick six. Such is life on All-Pro...

Then shit gets real. All-Madden engages. On-lookers and Nay-sayers fill the stream lobby… Your phone won’t stop buzzing with the incessant chatter of Priiiime Tiiiime Trash Talk. Everyone can’t handle that kind of pressure.

Your dreams are now haunted by field goal meters moving like windshield wipers, every DB has morphed into Deion Sanders’ cackling face, and Stephen A. Smith relentlessly critiques you’re every on and off-field decision. Your nerves are so bad “Stay off tha Weeeeeeeeeeeeduh” might as well be your ringtone. It’s enough to drive any sane person mad, let alone your already questionable mental state.

And yet... pressure yields diamonds… and coal (i.e. a dead industry, I don’t want to hear it ok… geez, roll with the analogy). If you have to question which one you are, you’re definitely coal and if you think you’re a diamond, I’m here to inform you that you are actually more like cubic zirconium. Don’t get it twisted...

Thankfully, there is the sweet refuge of watching a COFL stream, where someone else’s nuts are on the line. You totally wouldn’t have thrown that pick six since your keen eye saw Luke Kuechly creepin’ underneath, besides Mike Evans was butt naked on the post. When you’re watching the stream you see every Le’veon Bell-esque cutback lane clear, read every screen pre-snap, and would’ve totally called the perfect Corner Back Blitz to put that Quarterback in the hospital…

Damn shame your clairvoyance doesn’t extend past your redundant arm-chair Madden quarterbacking… Mais, C’est la vie… Keep watching that film and maybe someday you too can be a diamond and get some jewelry next to your name.

Week 2-3 Recap:

Much has changed since Week 1 of Season VI. The COFL faces rotating in out like their boss colluded with the Russian government.

Speaking of incompetent presidents, have you heard this guy Prez berating innocent women and children in recent hate filled speeches?? Sadly, those streams are much watch TV. Sigh… the parallels here are starting to get really unnerving, all the way down the the atrocious haircut.

Turnovers.

Apple Turnovers... Turnover at your job… that thing your wife keeps yelling at your drunk ass while you snore loud enough to wake up the whole block…

That is all.

Another week of terrible Prime Time game scheduling decisions has come and gone… Dalton on Monday Night is a recipe for disaster. Hurricane Irma tried to do its part and knock out power for many viewers so they wouldn’t have to watch the abomination that was the Bengals up against Paxton “Limp Noodle” Lynch throw for 42 measly yards as Coach “Kraft Mac and Cheese dipped in Queso with shredded Cheddar” Miller served up a cream cheese bagel, but only put up 13 smelly points of his own. Undefeated or not, I certainly don’t smell any GOAT cheese, thats for sure, up against an abysmal, depleted Cincinnati that is going to win their division off the strength of legendary coaching alone. That guy deserves a Nobel Prize.

Finally, a game worth watch Cards Bucs put on a real show with a 27-30 shootout. Too bad both teams are less marketable than the Sony Zune. WTF! It’s not even made by Sony, it was made by Microsoft! You never even would’ve known if I hadn’t corrected it …

Broncos Chiefs was another clunker… one possession the whole first quarter and it ended in zero points. Not one single turnover, missed field goal or sack the whole game. #Snoozefest #NotMyCOFL

The IR monster is back… damn football, you scary...

STOP BLAMING YOUR SHITTY PLAY ON YOUR SHITTY TEAM!!!

If anybody needs me I’ll be publicly executing my offensive line by firing squad… but the bullets will just go around and sack Andy Dalton for a loss of 11 to take me out of FG range… Fuck this shit I’m out.

There was probably more excitement and front office shenanigans, but we’ll save it for another episode.

#StayWoke

Aight Peace,

HershNasty

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