Hersh's Extra Point: Week 1 Recap
Week 1 is officially in the books… except for all you non-punctual fucks who couldn’t manage to work a microwave, let alone schedule a measly 3 games with your opponent. Are y'all on COFLPeopleTime or what??? #CPT (See I can make that joke cuz I’m … never late... lol).
Blah blah yes we know shit happens… I personally shit twice a day and still manage to make time to entertain the wife and handle my bidniss. (And by entertain I mean… you know what I mean…. And by “the wife” I mean your wife … it’s a nice COFL wife/GF/Age-appropriate daughter rotation I’ve got going, don’t over think it, geez...) Listen, just don’t end up in Week 4 with 8 games to play, all with playoff implications…
Inversely, some of you have way too much damn time on your hands…What the hell man?! Nobody is trying to get a game in at 8:17 am on a damn Tuesday. I don’t care if that’s the only time your wife (or husband) isn’t busting your balls (or ovaries), or if that’s your normally scheduled dollhouse tea party. Same goes for all you fucks in weird-ass time zones #EastCoastBeastCoast or worse you’re changing timezones. Move to a real city! #CoastalElite!
Alas, I’m a reasonable man. I understand being overzealous to get a game in, since Management has denied us the infinite bliss of virtual violence without the moral pressure of life-altering injuries. My advice is space it out… enjoy the slow burn…meanwhile I finished all my games by Wednesday …fuck. Scrimmage anyone?
Unsurprisingly, tempers have started to flare among members as players’ integrity is called into question along inaccuracies for the going rate for your mom on a slow Tuesday night. However, normally the hostilities don’t start until after a game or two has been played. I like the tenacity of rookies and vets alike, some coming in hotter than others… but that attitude better make the playoffs or we’ll all be talking cash shit in your general direction. Scratch that… Me, myself, personally, I will be talking that Grade A, bonafide, top shelf shit regardless.
Also, and I can’t say this enough, if you’re gonna talk some shit… talk some good quality shit. Jesus Christ, there have been some lame ass, cringeworthy jokes/meme/disses etc. in the group chat. WTF is this amateur hour at a remedial middle-school roast session??? I’ll admit that every joke isn’t a hit, but I’ll be damned if my batting average isn’t at least decent enough to keep me in the majors. I’ve seen YouTube comment sections with more thought put into disses/comebacks than some of you guys. Seriously, get your shit together. It's embarrassing.
The first few primetime games have been a straight snoozefest, less exciting than C-SPAN BEFORE a WWE Top Tier Athlete hit the oval office and everyone got their panties in a bunch. Personally, I blame the COFL scheduling department, which has been more disaster than general American hurricane preparedness. Andy Dalton habitually fails to show up in primetime, on top of the outrageous collusion of insuring the team is rusty by truncating the Bengals preseason. The Legendary, Infallible, Future HOFer Coach Smith’s copy of Madden 18 shipping out AFTER the draft and only 2 days before the season started! Tough to win when the field is stacked against you… Alas, the Bengals will wright the ship and will prevail victorious this season #WelcometotheJungle.
Sidebar: I swear if I lose to Robyn’s Aints again this season I'm burning this whole mother fucker down. #FireandFury
Don’t be fooled though, as the Bengals aren’t the only team suffering from COFL League office tampering. The new Collective Bargaining Agreement (CBA) has forced teams to sit through useless, time-consuming press conferences as of Season VI. Chargers’ QB Philip Rivers could hardly call plays on his final drive because he was too concerned with the grilling he might get in the post-game presser. This undue pressure is making a MOCKERY of this league and must be stifled IMMEDIATELY! We at least need to renegotiate the CBA so we can get a cut off the ad revenue… Pretty soon Youtube will be commercials on streams, but it’ll be too late for us then. Meanwhile, we will all be wondering how “Fearless Leader” managed to afford a brand new Mercedes-Benz rape van (His explanation: the old one was getting terrible gas mileage in school zones)...How do you say “fair and balanced COFL president” in (North) Korean? Spoiler Alert: You don’t...
Thank god we’ve got the NFL season back so COFL Castro can have the unbiased, resolute decision making of Roger Goodell to set an example of how it’s done.
If you’re 3-0, your opponents were garbage and your record/ranking is undeserved. Prez gave you a cupcake schedule, because he thinks little of you and your skills. The Transitive Property makes you also certifiably garbage.
If you’re 0-3, you are the epitome of garbage and might as well tank the rest of the season #TankDivision. But, if you think there will be less collusion/nepotism/corruption surrounding next years draft… I’ve got a bridge to sell you.
If you’re 2-1 or 1-2, you are fundamentally mediocre and should probably go buy a motorcycle or something to pull yourself out of your mid-life crisis. You don’t even know how to ride a motorcycle, making it garbage in your garage… and since we are all products of our environment, such close proximity to garbage qualifies you as garbage.
If you’re 3-1 though, you’re good. Just the right amount of humility mixed with strategic dominance.
That wraps up this week’s column. Be sure to start a controversy this week so I can be lazy and have something to write about instead of your piss poor on-field performances. Until next time...
PS: I understand many of you see me as something of a role model. I am flatter as I only play Madden at a high level and write award winning columns for a #Failing newspaper because I want to help those less fortunate. I’m glad I could personally inspire so many column submissions, and the fan mail I have received has been heartwarming. I just want to remind you all I plug my PS4 in one cord at a time just like everybody else, you also can be great… if you were born with these dashing good looks and unmatched wit. #StriveForGreatness