Whew lawd… What a week of excitement…

The Draft is officially complete, and COFL Season VI has finally kicked off. This should be a joyous time, a celebration of return to business at usual… But we don’t celebrate the System ‘round here!

Let’s take a quick look back at this off-season’s shenanigans before we tackle the debacle that was COFL Season VI Draft Day...

Some experts are say the highly publicized Tournament of Champions was RIGGED to improve plummeting ratings during a monotonously slow off-season. #Sad. The COFL has been accused of some past foul play, involving game fixing, Season V Giants RB P.E.D. use, and denying science-backed reports of CTT (Chronic Traumatic Thumb) injuries. So far these heinous reports have been unfounded, and vehemently denied in COFL Prez’s recent press briefings… but do YOU trust The Man??

Of course to distract from the CLEAR collusion of the Champs Tourney, there were other significant events taking place:

I’m not saying the COFL orchestrated the Grand Theft Auto of a certain lifted truck enthusiast’s Madden Mobile, but we checked the transcripts. Just 72 hours before, there were GroupMe messages more damning than Hillary’s emails about a GTAV “video game” being circulated between COFL members (AKA Prime Suspects: JT and DB, prominent members of the notorious Initials Coalition, which has been implicated for past collusion, with no disciplinary action taken. See Giants RB scandal #AK). Coincidence?! I think not! We all know these “video games” lead directly to a life of criminal violence, habitual tardiness, and general lack of scruples.

Is it also just “coincidence” the Ayler Invitational has organizer Jake sitting pretty, as I write this, undefeated in the Semi-Finals of his own Double Elimination tournament? He’s set himself in a patty-cake bracket with cupcake schedulings including the likes of DatDudeFiddy, whose unceremonious fall from grace has been meteoric. See what I did there…? cuz meteors burst into flames and fall really fa-- nevermind... Anyway, at the time I write this, I am still valiantly fighting back against the indoctrination that “Prez and Friends” have used to infiltrate the innocent minds of our youth. Although I don’t know how innocent Jake is, being the only COFL member to post nudes in the group chat since that one time El Jefe had a few too many after a particularly tough loss...


Hold up! Hold up!


The Fuck!


Before we even talk about the draft, we must address the BLATANT draft tampering that has corrupted the sacred ritual of the Wheel Spin. I DEMAND a special investigator be appointed to look into these shenanigans. In the meantime, I will be protesting all COFL games by kneeling during the loading screen if you would like to join my cause! It will not be easy, but we must kneel in solidarity until the rights of the bottom ⅓ of the draft are respected. If you have kneeling longevity concerns, please reach out to DRob, who won’t be needing his stockpile of kneepads anymore since he strategically used them to secure that #2 draft pick.

Noteworthy Draft Highlights:

  • General chaos in the GroupMe

  • Overall lack of preparedness on all sides #NotEnoughBoosOrBooze

  • Der Furher was late… surprised?! Probably still counting the last few bribe dollars… I don’t blame you though, I’d hold ZZShadow’s shady money up to the light too. Seems like the type to try to draw crayon bills. Jmcc allegedly got away with paying with Monopoly money since nobody knows wtf UK currency is since Brexit...

  • Best Boner Pick: Ricky and the Washington Racial Slurs!!! Aptly named, and down the street from Charlettesville to boot! Hopefully his ruthless, unfounded hatred and aggression will be pointed at the opposing team… [endif]Shocker pick of the draft: JmGrace66 with the LA Rams!!! Let’s hope this is the year the put it all together… but more likely than not they’ll be engulfed in self inflicted flames #LARiots

  • [Insert Player] tried to pick [Insert Elite Team] even though they’ve already been off the board for 15 picks. Concerted pointing and laughing at [Insert Player]. This is pre-written, but let’s be real: It was probably Clemson2311 and the Texans.

  • Special shout out to everyone who picked their team based on emoji availability...

As the Voice of the People, I would officially like to welcome Season VI COFL newcomers and hand out survival packs. Hopefully you survive the buzz saw that is the season in full swing, and the tyranny that is COFL Prez. #RESIST

As always… #StayWoke

Aight peace,


PS: I'm adding sports writing to my resume and using COFL as references. Fox Sports, with its affinity for mediocre talent, may or may not be trying to poach me if the COFL wants to get into a bidding war, I’m open to negotiation.


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