HERSH'S EXTRA POINT: 'Tis the Season
Awww yeeeaaa!!! MADDEN SEASON BABY!
DON’T LET THE START OF SEASON VI DISTRACT YOU FROM THE FACT JT BLEW A 3-1 LEAD IN THE TOURNAMENT OF CHAMPIONS!!!
There comes a time in every man (and woman)’s life that gives the same feeling new Madden does each year. You know that feeling when a girl (or guy, or whatever you’re into, lets get weird) you’ve been passive aggressively stalking for 3 excruciating months, finally lets you get to the goodies...
Its Madden Day!... (or it hopefully will be by the time you read this)
You peel off the packaging, hands shaking with anticipation, ready to pop that bad boy in ... only to be smacked in the face with utter disappointment, unkept promises and overhype. But with a little solo practice… *wink wink nudge nudge* … anything is possible.
We are also on the verge of a brand new NFL football season, and with a new season come new season-ending injuries. Players are already dropping like flies, limbs falling off left and right just from making eye contact. It’s only a matter of time until one of us loads up to find Trent Richardson starting at RB because Leveon Bell tore his ACL when he slipped on a nefarious dollar bill at the strip club last night. Who knew George Washington was a Ravens fan...
Anyway, COFL DRAFT DAY SEASON VI is finally here! Regardless of your race, religion or misguided political beliefs, it’s a time where we can all come together and boo in unison the self appointed Judge, Jury and Executioner himself… El Presidente. Did he put you too low in the draft order? BOO! Did he give you a shitty schedule because he thinks it “builds character”? BOO! Scorned past Lover now that he’s traded you in for a younger, flasher model? BOO! Did he schedule the draft in the middle of your Ballet Rehearsal, so now you’re stuck with the Browns? BOO! Did he get whooped by your 3rd rate team while he played with a past COFL Bowl champ, calling you every terrible name in the book, put a voodoo hex on your loved ones, and report your modest meth manufacturing operation to the DEA?? BOO!
But let’s be real here. Prez isn’t the only enemy… Do we honestly believe EA isn’t going to fuck us out of 60 bucks one more time by slapping a new paintjob on a turd sandwich? And by “Us” I mean yall #RoyalRumbleChamp. Lets keep it real and hope this new career story mode isn’t complete dogshit for when nobody is around for a quick scrimmage.
All past Championship winners should also be popular targets of ridicule this year, as they run off to hold their own 1%er Tournaments, with their secret handshakes and ritual blood sacrifices. Fuck you guys for being better at stuff than the rest of us. Jerks.
A couple thoughts to wrap up:
I am a recent convert to the cult of Fuck Brady, but I think we can all agree, thank fucking god Odell Beckham Jr. is no longer whipping and Nae Naeing for 20 goddamn minutes on my TV while Madden loads up.
What’s your favorite past Madden commercial moment? Julio whoopin ass like its the Panthers’ Secondary? Von Miller’s sick dance moves trying to impregnate the first 3 rows of Mile High? Write-in and let us know.
That’s all I’ve got for you this week. If you have any stories of how EA, Madden or COFL has fucked you over I definitely want to hear em so write in! Until next time, (or they cancel greatness like ESPN canceled PlayMakers….)
Be on the lookout for Tournament of Champions Recap and Season VI previews coming soon.
Fuck the haters. (signed The Professional Hater)